Thursday, 17 May 2012

idle threats (i'm losing my mind)

On my way to work this morning (where all the big thinking happens), I had this horrible, horrible thought WHAT IF P DIES BEFORE I SEE HIM AGAIN AND THE LAST THING I SAID TO HIM WAS A THREAT TO CASTRATE HIM WITH A HOT, BLUNT SPOON???

I mean, that's going pretty far, even for me (past insults/threats of grievous bodily harm include: I'll soap your toothbrush, so's your face, I'll punch you right in the ovaries etc - fairly mild stuff according to my catalogue of awfulness).  I practically broke down on the street imagining the eulogy I'd have to write for my poor, dear departed husband ("I loved him with all my heart and I often told him so; but our last moments together involved a tender kiss while I threatened him with amateur castration by utensil").

And then I got into that weird zone where I'd practically convinced myself that he'd been hit by a bus.  What would I do without him?  What would my life be like?  How on earth would I ever break the news to his family?  Etcetera, etcetera, on and on ad nauseum.  I was almost in tears by the time I walked into my building, all thumbs as I tapped out terrible soppy messages to P to assuage my guilt over our last words.  Am I the only person who ever has these horrible death scenarios play out in a waking situation?  Please, please tell me I'm not...

I think I'm officially losing the plot.  The countdown tally conducted in the steam on the shower door is telling me 21 working days left before I leave in which time I'm likely to go completely batshit crazy.  I shall have to rally to restore sanity (with apologies to Jon Stewart)....

My husband, meanwhile, is completely unable to account for the inpouring of love in his text message inbox. I think he suspects he's forgotten an anniversary of some sort.

PS I am marginally concerned about the increase in traffic to my post about rape fields.  I can't see that any *ahem* specific word searches have been used, but I'd be grateful to know that I'm not alone out here in my computer with only people who are SICK. 

Love, Sincere Regards, With a Complete Lack of Irony etc, The Woman Who Threatened Her Husband's Reproductive Organs With Dull Aluminium Cutlery.

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