Thursday, 17 May 2012

I need to bulk order asphalt

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions then I think that at least 28% of those paving stones, on what must surely be a VERY long road, have been placed there by me.

[The rest? 50% people making political promises, 13% people embarking on a new healthy lifestyle involving diet and exercise, 9% people buying recyclable tampons because that's a good intention that will end up in a bad place if ever I heard one.]

[Jeebers that's a terrible pun.  I wholeheartedly apologise - but not enough to delete it, apparently.] 

Why is it that I am so entranced by new beginnings and the opportunities they offer to do a great job?  Why can't I just finish what's in front of me? It's not that I think that I'm genetically incapable of finishing a task:

  • 50% of my genetic material comes from a certain someone who likes the beginning of a task and the big picture, feels ambivalent about all the tiny detail of the execution but does it anyway. 
  • The other 50% arrived from a certain someone else who will weed the garden until there are NO MOAR WEEDZ with singleminded devotion.  
I'm frankly pissed that my synapses don't fire in the same way. (Is that a correct use of synapse?  I'm too lazy to look up the proper definition or scientific explanation and use it correctly - is that not the essence of what I'm talking about here?!) 
I start out so well…and then I put things down/rush them /start something else.  I suspect it's some kind of fundamental laziness.  That, right there, is a character flaw I'm glad I'm only admitting in this semi-anonymous place inside my computer; too shameful to admit in person.

It's a good thing that I'm an ambivalent atheist, bearing this probable singlehanded paving of the road to hell in mind.  Have no doubt, the first few paving stones on that road will have been properly laid but then I will have cut corners because damn, paving is HARD, so it will be a road on which you either stub your toe or get a flat both of which SUCK but would be low-level appropriate given it's the road to ETERNAL DAMNATION. 

Ambivalent atheism, in case you were wondering, which you probably weren't, is the school of "CONTEMPLATE THE EXISTENCE OF A HIGHER BEING? MEH, TOO HARD.  ANOTHER EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR PLZ" that I tend to follow.  P reads Richard Dawkins and thinks about faith before wishing to have a discussion with me.  That's when I'm all "I went to church one time with a friend when I was 8 and got really cross because (a) they wouldn't feed me the cracker and drink everyone else was getting and (b) I didn't know what was going on and felt SO LEFT OUT", at which P sighs and saves his metaphysical conversation for someone who has an adult opinion. 

It's all very insightful to recognise one's faults in oneself but what good does it do if one does not get off one's chuff and change one's sloppy ways?  Let's revert to first person because third person is annoying: I cannot keep promising myself that I'll get there next time.  Work habits, life habits; in all seriousness, I need to check my attitude and follow through. 

Just get on with things.

Things I'm avoiding by writing this post making light of my character flaws. Which I take seriously but cannot resist mocking because that's how we do, in my family.  But we don't usually say 'how we do'.  It does not sound natural coming from the mouths of middle-class New Zealanders, somehow. 

Let's just say that I'm a work in progress. 

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