Friday, 6 January 2012

well this explains a lot

Excerpts from a skype call with my mother last night (mercifully, without the video.  Mum generally aims it somewhere above her head so I watch the wall, then supersizes the picture from my camera and asks what self-respecting damn-near 30-year-old still has spots.  THIS PERMA-ADOLESCENT, THAT'S WHO):
Mum: "I'm moving.  To the South Island.  But your father can't shoot the cat." 
Me: "I don't understand this conversation." 
Mum: "We had a discussion about what to do with the animals if we moved."
Me: "A hypothetical discussion about what to do with the cat if you made a hypothetical move that isn't actually that far?"
Mum: "We're definitely going to move.  Maybe.  But your father reckons he could shoot the cat if we moved.  I don't think he's got the balls." 
Me: "So it’s not that you won't let him shoot the cat? Have you even THOUGHT about the cat's feelings in all of this?"
Dad: "I could too shoot that cat.  Peow Peow". 
*BIG NEWS ALERT* My mother told me she had an extremely important announcement: my sister's cat is about to turn 1 and has graduated from kitten bikkies to bigboy bikkies. 
To be fair to Mum, she was laughing hysterically when she told me this earthshattering news from my sister.  I told Mum she's got to be nice to that cat because the way we're going, it could be her only grandchild. 
I'm trying to block this out, but if I had to hear it then you do too.  My mother tried to tell me about a family member (who shall remain unidentified) having a dirty weekend.  When I cut off this line of conversation with a "GROSS NO MORE EW EW EW"  Mum then remarked that said family member has "different networking techniques" than either her or I.  Still trying to get the taste out of my mouth. 
Mum has firm views on floral arrangements.
Mum: "What did you think of the description the flower lady provided you of your wedding bunch?"
Me: "Very nice."
Mum: "Well you don't want that flax shit in there.  Especially if it's stripey."
Love my fambily, but I worry about them, I really do. 

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