knickers

Today is a big day.  I'm heading out of work early, going to the bridal store and trying on my dress for what should be the last time before I take it home.  This is not the big news in itself.  Do not panic; this will not become a wedding asshat blog just yet, it is still just a general asshat blog with appearances by my alter-bridezilla-ego.

The big news is that in preparation for this final dress rehearsal I am wearing the spanx.  OMFG.  It's probably more accurate to say the Spanx are wearing me - my mid section is like a cuddly toy being gripped by a 14 year old whose first boyfriend has just won it by feeding a clown's face with balls or somesuch (i.e. I am being squeezed tightly by something kinda sweaty). 

I look pretty GD slamming in a basic wrap dress for work that usually has my tum hanging out the front but I AM NOT SURE THIS IS WORTH IT.  OK OK, I'm vain, it's worth it, but holy hell these things make you pay for the glory of having no knicker line.  Though I don't think I'll be wearing them to work again; it ruined lunchtime aka the best part of the day (I spend all morning deciding what to have for lunch; then spend all afternoon working out what to do better next time.  What can I say, I strive for perfection). 

I even viewed the Golden Globe outfits this morning online with far more sympathy that I would otherwise usually grant that parade of the rich, famous and skinny bitches.  I spent a considerable amount of time playing an endlessly entertaining game of 'Undies, Spanx or Commando?' on the Daily Mail (Net results: I think Kelly Osborne was the only one wearing normal knickers not spanx, pretty sure Heidi Klum went sans-pants which in her case is totally legit, possibly Piper Perabo also but her entire dress appeared see-through and she looked a little, well, manic, so she had bigger issues going on than her smalls). 

WHAT?  YOU'D MAKE THIS FACE TOO IF SOME SPANDEX WAS CONTAINING YOUR HERNIA

I am ridiculously late on the bandwagon for spanx, but in all seriousness, why why WHY have people been enduring this in silence?  On my wedding day, I don't think I'm gonna receive a compliment (and there better be thousands of those) without saying "have you SEEN what it takes to achieve this perfection right here?" or "check out this bad boy" while lifting up my dress.