Tuesday, 6 March 2012

timeline of a, the drama queen

1982: I am born. Eat, poo, cry a lot, sleep a bit.  Possible concussive episode #1: fall off kitchen bench after being bathed in the sink (Mum: "I swear I only turned for a minute to get your singlet and OF COURSE you rolled over then")

1983: Possible concussive incident #2: fall out of booth at parents' skanky fast food joint during rush hour (Mum: "I tried to wedge you in there.  You were SO needy - you always cried at exactly the time I was needed at the deep fryer.  Anyway, it reversed the damage from the first fall").  Little Sister born; I am quite cross about having to share the spotlight.

1984-86: I am Queen of the Kindy.  Told off for demonstrating wrong method of handling scissors to newbie.  Painted kindy best friend's big black dog white.  Become Queen of the Tantrum aka Master Attention Seeker.

1987: I move to new town and start school.  Start ballet classes; stop taking ballet classes because I am embarrassing other children with my advanced stripper moves i.e. I keep taking my leotard off in class.* I am the eldest in my grade, Mum rejects an offer to move me up a grade on basis that I lack sufficient social skills. 

1988: I play the role of "Farmer's Wife" in the play "Hundreds of Cats".  Leads to discovery of "calling" and I decide I am meant to be an Actress with a capital A.  (Latent feminism not yet awakened - did not occur to me to become an Actor.) 

1989:  My career as Netball Player is upstaged by co-ordinated Little Sister.  I sulk. 

1990-1992: I create, star in and produce own plays and television shows in spare time with Little Sister and Neighbours' kids in guest roles.  These include the comic sensation recreation of the "Double Double Cheese Cheese Burger Burger Please" McDonalds ad.  No noticeable discernment shown in productions: I just copy tv ads word for word with the addition of knock knock jokes.  See also: begin writing novels by copy-typing The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe on the family computer.  Trouble with copyright issues, clearly. 

1993: I win cup at Speech and Drama Competition; so overcome I cry on stage during presentation.  I play starring role of "Charlotte" (aka Whining SchoolGirl) in "Windust" (aka Terrible Musical Western for Children), during which I realise I am headed for a future in musical theatre. 

1994: Relocate town and commence intermediate school.  Nicknamed "Miss Mature".  Related: I scale back dramatic efforts.  Go on school camp and tear giant hole in back of denim shorts.  Spent next two hours trying to cover hole with t-shirt.  Die of embarrassment. 

1995: I am still the eldest in class, Mum rejects another offer to send me straight to high school because "A still won't handle it socially."  Accept role of "Mrs Berserker" in "Little Luncheonette of Terror" despite previous attempt to scale back dramatic efforts.  First boyfriend at school disco, slow dance as far apart as possibly can.  Spend months in terror of actually having to talk to him.  Mum feels vindicated in opinion on social skills.

1996: Commence high school.  Have leg-shaving crisis involving battle of wills with Mum over "giving in" to peer pressure, during which I work on angry dramatics ("but NO ONE will be my friend ANYMORE, I'm effing HAIRY MCLARY").  Win by sneaky shaving with Dad's razor.  Accept role of "Apostle-ette" in "Jesus Christ Superstar".  Have revelation that I am actually not a good singer. 

1997: Become serious about horses and boys.  Horses like me; boys don't. Drama career hiatus in favour of real life boy drama, mostly acted out in own head.

1998: Accept role of "Witch" in "Macbeth".  Have serious crush on MacBeth.  Hate Lady MacBeth. (doesn't end well.  HAHAHA SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!)

1999: Best friend moves out of town.  Mope.  Accept role in some godawful musical.  Pash sax player at cast afterparty at my house and get busted by my Dad.  Thrilled when First XV Rugby Team crash the party.  Am too cool for words.  Attend school ball.  Pash someone else's date.  Pash Best Friend's ex.  Very pashy year punctuated by series of dramatics when boys break up with me (scene outside sax player's study hall Top 5 dramatic breakdowns of my career).

2000: Decide must focus on serious career rather than drama: discover politics and become seriously bossy.  Contract glandular fever aka mono from pash-excess.  Hone drinking abilities, leading to more pashing.  Meet Very Serious Christian Boyfriend Taking a Break From God. 

2001: Start university at other end of Country.  Break up with Very Serious Christian Boyfriend Taking a Break From God when realise university = mecca of desperate drunken boys.  Meet P.  Decide P will make nice rebound for a short while.  Create drama four nights a week drinking with girlfriends.

2002:  Have found double destructive dramatic outlet: law school-sanctioned drinking.

2003-2005: Continue on rampage of drinking and study.  P still on the scene, turns out he's quite nice.

2005-2008: Begin v. serious "career".  Thrive on amateur courtroom dramatics.  Move in with P and create drama from time to time because of "difficulty of it all" (i.e. holding down job and running own life). 

(NB 2007: Four wisdom teeth removed.  Discover that I.V. sedation is the best effing high ever but wake up to a mouth full of cotton wool and some disturbing memories of revelations made to the dentist during surgery.  Realise can create own drama without need for drugs)

2009: Move to New York, ultra-drama town.  P comes too.  Rediscover student lifestyle: ie lawschool and drinking.

2010: Move to London.  Unemployment drama.  Aborted attempt at starting blog; appreciate internet potential for attention seeking.

2011 to present: Get engaged.  Realise unparalleled opportunity for attention at wedding.  Attempt to restart blog. 

* I discovered later in life that in addition to being a stripper and having no coordination, my parents withdrew me, and many of the other local parents withdrew their daughters, from this class because the teacher had told my friend that she was not graceful enough to become a ballet dancer and never would be because of a birth defect.  I effing applaud our parents for that decision.  There was nothing that wee girl could not do. 

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