So old hopeless useless over here set off the fire alarm again the other night. The toast cinders exhaled hot black breath into the sensors (I swear I only turned my back for a minute) and ominous bleeping began. I yanked the plug from the socket and raced to open every door in the house, flapping the front door to try and dilute the fugue, while tearfully poking at my phone to call the property manager…thank god it dissipated before it triggered the complex wide alarm and brought in the firefighters. The bleeping ceased after about a minute but my heart continued making frantic efforts to escape my chest for some time to come. The shame! The shame! We really have had a terrible run in the 7 months we’ve been in our current apartment.
As advertised, the holes in the ceiling weren’t my fault. We received a call explaining that there was something wrong with the plumbing upstairs, which necessitated access from underneath. We think it’ll just be a small hole in your hot water cupboard, they promised blithely. Several enormous holes in the laundry, entryway and hotwater cupboard later, we had ladder marks all over the door frames, scuffs on the walls and bits of severed gib all over the floor. Then there was the fix-the-holes debacle detailed a post or two ago. I can’t find it in my heart to get too worked up over it though because it’s probably some sort of karmic retribution for that time in about ‘07 when I dropped a hotel shampoo bottle down the shower drain and the plumber had to cut into the ceiling of the apartment below ours to extract it.
I really shouldn’t live in communal housing. I’m a hazard.
Have I mentioned I don’t know where I’m living past Tuesday next week? Ffffffff. TBC, no doubt.
Other recent hopeless useless moments recently? Well…you may never have experienced the phenomenon known as “wearing your high heels down to the nub and exposing the little metal bits” but sadly, it’s a phenomenon with which I am familiar (work shoes have no goddamn stamina around here). Not normally a problem except for the scruffy look (don’t worry, people are distracted by the bobbles on my tights and stains on my dress before they get as far as looking at my shoes), but one rainy day last week I walked into the office foyer and both feet skated across the marble. Whew, I thought, I’m still upright, I’m not sure if anyone saw, I’m going to keep on walking. And promptly did it again but with one of those enormous wide arm wave/wobbles, handbag flying out sideways. So profeshunal. The rest of my steps across the lobby floor were deliberate, spraddle legged feet-plantings. Really ladylike. Graceful. Etc.