Sunday, 29 March 2015

march rolls into april

As it turned out, the evening we decided to cut our losses and leave for the night to avoid confrontation was, in fact, the night the contractor turned up at the house.  One of our poor neighbours got followed on her arrival home - she drives a very similar car to ours and she described his behaviour as odd.  I think he was spoiling for a fight with P and was probably disappointed not to get it.  In any event, we've not heard anything further since the police dropped by his house and I am done (D.O.N.E) with thinking about it.

I spent the weekend with my parents.  Dad was in hospital.  It was grim.  Mum exclaimed at one point in frustration that they were talking like old people, with the internal focus on timetables, drugs, how he's reacting.  The world is narrowing for them to the disease and its consequences.  It's so predictable but yet fucking unavoidable, just like Dad's moon-face and the hair loss and the muscle wastage and the lack of concentration.  I am so fucking angry right now.  He's 58 and he was so well before and he's being stolen from us and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. 

The joy in the good moments is more intense.  When I make them laugh, I feel it inside me.  He's the only person who has complete permission to make unsolicited belly rubs and I tried to watch for kicking for him to see.  I want him so desperately to know this baby. 

I've written a letter to my boss, confirming my last day of work before I depart on parental leave, but warning them that I may seek leave of absence or to take parental leave early, given Dad's rapid deterioration.  I can't focus at work.  Mum is just so tired and I want to spend time with Dad so it makes sense for me to be there, an hour's flight away from here.  I'll quit if I need to.  I am so damn lucky this is an option. 

I'm back with them on Thursday evening, with P this time.  I've charted a list of jobs for P around their property (lawns and rabbits, mostly).  When we leave, my sister K arrives for a few days.  I hope Dad will be released from hospital and on a new regimen for the latest side effects by the time we arrive.  He's going through a horrific diagnostic test today involving deliberate withholding of all fluids, so I expect any release will be tomorrow at the very earliest.  At least in the interim Mum can sleep.

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