Tuesday, 6 November 2012

a rant about my bung eyes and my fucking ugly glasses

Being a litigator is a joy, people.  Today I stressed about crap like couriers, deadlines, copies, filing fees etcetera etcetera ad infinitum blah blah blah.  Still, for all of that, it is SO much better than the stress I experienced in my last role and I'm remembering what was initially satisfying about doing this work.  Onwards and upwards, I suppose.

One of the other horrendous things about being a lawyer is that it has ruined my eyesight.  That, and old age. (I prefer to blame my occupation - selective vision, if you will).  My 20/20 vision started getting a bit blurry around the edges towards the end of law school (Law School Episode 1 that is; The One In New Zealand Where I Drank My Way To Legal Glory).  I didn't do anything about it though, because that would have been sensible and fact-facing and what-not.  Also, it cost money, the little of which I did have I preferred to use to buy spangly lurex type tops and bootleg jeans and white rum.  Priorities of a 22 year old, you know?

After a year or two of full time work however, the picture changed (HA.  Did you catch that fabulous pun?  I thought so).  Things weren't right.  So I finally got checked and what do you know, I needed glasses for using the computer and reading.  I purchased gorgeous Kenzo frames and used them fairly exclusively at work. 

Until I moved to the States (for Law School Episode 2; The One in New York Where I Generally Traded Class For Dive Bars, sensing a theme?).  In my grand and infinite wisdom, I decided to take them to a Ben Folds concert, all the better to see Ben Folds with.  I lost them.  Bet you didn't see that coming (BAHAHAH I am on a ROLL!).

It took about 18 months for me to bother replacing them - i.e. until after I started receiving a full time paycheck in the UK...and even then I purchased the budget version.  They're so horrendous one of my bosses suggested getting fancy with a glitter pen/nail polish on the arms.  I'm fairly certain he was joking.  I hope he was joking because people still have to look at me every day in these bad boys.

Anyway, in the flurry of administrative tasks following our return to Aotearoa, I decided I ought to change the name on my drivers' licence.  Picture me at the AA, having completed all 50 bazillion different types of paperwork, paid the fee and got the horrendous new picture (I LOOK GINGER THANKS TO AA'S BRUTAL LIGHTING - also I look about 50 years older than in the last licence, but then it was nearly 9 years old).  I then spectacularly failed the eye test.  As in, fudged the first line using both eyes following which I was unable to see the first line using just my left eye, so they called an immediate halt to proceedings.

Bizarrely enough, when I had my vision rechecked the next morning my eyes have in fact got stronger since I was last checked at the end of 2010.  Despite that wee anomaly, I feel like I'm at the top of a slippery slope here people.  At the very least I feel obliged to go out and purchase some sexy hipster-ish frames; they'll make me look cool, right?

P.S. I should probably say, I'm just a wuss and won't use contacts.  People who have relied on glasses/contacts forever are probably rolling their eyes as they read this blog, but it's a Big Deal to me, kids!  Perspective, and all of that. 

*UPDATE Just realised I'd already told you I failed the test.  Whatever. Consider this pointless elaboration, per usual.  THAT IS ALL.

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