Tuesday, 21 September 2010

I dropped my cellphone in the toilet

The definition of hopeless:

Walking into the bathroom, unbuckling the belt that's holding my jeans up because the top button broke (it did NOT pop because of the muffin top, if that's what you're thinking, really really I promise), turning around to lower myself onto the seat only to hear the ominous 'plop' of my cellphone dropping into the toilet.

Questions I would have asked had this been someone else:

1.  Were you drunk?
2.  If not, why on earth did you have your phone in your back pocket?  Why not somewhere reasonable, say, your handbag or on top of your dresser?
3.  Had you already peed?

In the interests of not turning you off me even further, let me answer the last question first.  I HAD NOT PEED.  Thank jeebers because without even thinking I plunged my hand in there to save that puppy and bad as plain toilet water is (well, not the toilet water itself per se, but I am responsible for the cleanliness of that particular lavatory and I have never been noted for my attention to domestic duties, especially that wee pearler of a job) it could have been a million times worse, had I not been able to hold the pee before saving the cell.

In answer to Question Number Two, I am desperate.  Not for attention, but for a job.   I'm currently out of work, having just completed a post-graduate degree and moved to a completely new country where, surprise surprise, all potential employers are worried about my lack of local experience.  Not even the dog walking agencies here want me (I'm pretty sure Dog is the same language around the world so I can communicate fine with the puppies, that and my first language is English and I'm living in England so I think even the English sheepdogs will understand when I say 'SIT' but you try telling potential employers that).  I don't know if this is common, but I find that when I'm job hunting or have applied for anything, I'm paranoid about the phone ringing while I'm not near it JUST IN CASE I miss that crucial call.  Is it logical to take your phone to the loo?  No.  I have the sound set to 'sonic boom' volume, but the paranoia won't let me let go of it.  So toilet, shower or otherwise, the phone comes with.

And that answers the third question; no, I was not drunk.  Oh, how I wish I had been.  Look, I know this is nothing earth shattering, I am not the first person to lose a phone in a toilet, but every other single story of phone-meets-porcelain I have heard involves alcohol consumption and did not happen at approximately 9am.  It's not for the lack of opportunity - I'm drunk fairly frequently and the phone could have immersed itself in the bowl then.  I don't know why being drunk would make it any better, but there you are.  Perhaps it just would have been more funny that way?  I would have felt part of the crowd?  Or is it that, now in my mid-to-late-twenties, I still crave the attention and praise of my parents and I know exactly what reaction this little story would inspire - the little sigh of resigned disappointment.

Yeah, yeah, a little maudlin I know over the loss of a £5 Nokia through sheer clumsiness, but there is just one word that sums this up.  Hopeless.

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